Imagine that your relationship is a home. It is impossible to build it without several key elements that are needed not only to make you feel comfortable, but also to survive any bad weather. It is logical to start building with a strong foundation, which you put together brick by brick with a partner thanks to joint experience and emotional connection. And then your "house" will need walls and windows.
I proposed the concept of "windows" and "walls" in my book S. Glass. NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity "Not "just friends"" psychologist Shirley Glass. She used this metaphor to describe the way in which two emotionally involved people can maintain intimacy.
If a relationship is a house, then partners are two adjacent rooms separated by a "window" from floor to ceiling. It symbolizes open communication in a couple and creates a condition of complete transparency, when everyone feels that they are seen and heard. And "walls" are a buffer that separates and protects relationships from the outside world.
"Windows" allow two people to stay on the same wavelength, understand each other's inner worlds, clarify expectations, feelings and desires. Open communication allows you to immediately identify even the smallest problems and solve them before they turn into a huge snowball that risks demolishing the "house".
In order for everyone to feel comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings through a "window", "walls" are needed. They create a private and confidential atmosphere. Without them, the relationship loses protection. Imagine that your partner ignores your feelings and, without warning, constantly invites other people to visit you. Such indifference destroys the "walls" and threatens the sanctity of a romantic union.
Conversely, when there is a kind of protective dome around the relationship and both partners support it, there is a sense of emotional security. Thanks to him, the internal "walls" disappear and it becomes possible to build the same "window" in their place.
As the feeling of emotional security in a relationship strengthens, it becomes much more comfortable for us to talk about our inner world and discuss problems. When we feel protected, we can listen, empathize, be creative in solving problems and open up on a deeper level. All this strengthens the foundation of the relationship.
However, this does not mean that the "walls" between the relationship and the outside world should be impenetrable. They should also have "windows". As in a real house, the air becomes stale if you do not ventilate the room for a long time. The "air" in a relationship is friends, hobbies, work. The main thing is that the connection with the external environment does not outweigh and does not harm the connection with the partner. After all, we always close the windows when it rains or snows outside.
If you allow the "walls" around the relationship to collapse and turn into "windows", the "window" between partners, on the contrary, will turn into a "wall". For example, you work all day and do not devote time to your relationships at all or share details of your personal life with friends, family members or colleagues. Thus, you open a "window" for the outside world and close it for a partner who no longer finds a connection with you. Over time, such a situation can open the door to treason.
To do this, you need to return to the basics of relationships, which include meeting the basic needs of the partner. Among them is the desire to feel loved, appreciated, heard, accepted and supported.
You can provide all this every day without much effort. For example, to give your partner your undivided attention during a conversation and not look furtively at the phone. Ask questions so that he understands that he is being listened to attentively. Respect and take into account his opinion so that he feels appreciated. Take his side in conversations with third parties so that he feels supported.
Such small steps make sure that the "window" between partners does not turn into a "wall". Remember, the openness of one person disposes another to the same behavior. If you want your partner to freely share his inner world with you, be ready to share yours.
The presence of strong "walls" does not mean that partners cannot live an eventful life outside of the relationship. The point is to maintain a balance without compromising the union.
Each couple sets its own ratio of time spent together and apart. The main thing is to come to a common opinion about the degree of connection and freedom allowed in the relationship. It is better to ask your partner directly if he gets enough of your time and energy. Someone retains a sense of intimacy, even when the partner pays a lot of attention to friends, work or hobbies. And someone, on the contrary, is stressed by too much time spent separately.
There are no universal rules. You and your partner need to come up with your own together. For example, you may decide that Friday is the day when you arrange a date. Then no one will plan anything for Friday and thus maintain a "wall" between the relationship and the external environment. And if something important does appear, you can always consult with your partner in advance.
Of course, life will make its own adjustments: perhaps some rules will not always be followed, or you will abandon them altogether over time. However, a certain system will help to share the responsibility for the preservation of the "walls" equally, and not to burden it on the shoulders of one person.
The balance between "windows" and "walls" in a relationship depends on which needs are met in the "house" and which ones are met outside it. If we find what we need outside of the relationship, we become too independent and move away from the partner. Satisfaction of needs exclusively within relationships, on the contrary, leads to codependency.
The best option is to keep the inner "window" open and not make the outer "walls" completely impenetrable. In this way, you will maintain intimacy without excessive dependence on each other and come to the so-called interdependence, which allows us to express love without sacrificing ourselves, and receive love without perceiving it as proof of our own worth.
