In a relationship, friendly or romantic, the word "needy" seems inappropriate. Although in fact all our needs are closely related to our human nature. People have a biological need for each other. One small study showed J. Coan, L. Beckes, et al. Relationship status and perceived support in the social regulation of neural responses to threat / Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience that we feel physical pain much less acutely when we hold the hand of a loved one than when we are alone. That is why relationships are not happy until everyone's needs are met in them.
There are three types of needs in a relationship between two people:
Meeting any needs seems like a pleasant and even necessary component of a healthy interaction. But then why is it so difficult for us to express our needs?
Perhaps the reason lies in our relationship with adults when we were children, in the way they treated our needs. If our desires were constantly brushed aside, we could come to a simple conclusion: it's better to keep silent about what you want than to see it ignored.
In addition, do not forget that we live in a world of capitalism, in which high productivity is valued. And it implies giving up a lot, for example, from rest and free time.
Synchronizing all three types of needs is quite a difficult task. Imagine that you had a fight with a friend on the day when your loved one got a promotion. You want to talk it out, and the partner is determined to celebrate their successes . It is impossible to do this at the same time. And whose needs should be met first?
Many couples worry that an honest conversation about each other's needs will harm the relationship. In reality, the opposite is true — hiding your desires leads to alienation and misunderstanding. Silence cannot move a relationship forward, especially if you hope that a loved one will guess what you want.
Sometimes people fall into the trap of believing that their needs are more important than the needs of others. This may be due to gender, nationality, position in society and other components of social identity that can provide some privileges. In this case, the person is most likely used to getting everything he wants, and does not understand how it affects others.
If you are always trying to find what you want, push your partner to express his opinion more often. And if, on the contrary, you usually compromise in a relationship, now is the time to stand up for yourself.
In the book "My Stroke was a Science to Me", neuroanatomist Jill Bolty Taylor reminds us that we are sentient creatures who can think, not thinking ones who can feel. Our conscious and unconscious emotions affect not only the quality of relationships, but also our internal state.
It is the feelings that lead us to what we really need. For example, if you feel hungry, you know that you need to eat, and when you suffer from loneliness, you realize that you need a closer connection with others.
To learn how to recognize your needs with the help of feelings, ask yourself two questions every day:
If it is difficult for you to recognize your experiences, use the wheel of the Cheat Infographic based on the book "Emotional Intelligence" / MYTH , which contains the main emotions. Analyze your answers: note which feelings arise more often and how you feel about your needs.
In order to learn to accept your own needs (to accept, not to love), it will take time. Even if you can't discuss it with your partner, recognizing them is already a big step forward.
When we are presented with too many demands, our nervous system is overloaded, and we lose motivation to meet them. An excessively long list of expectations can break any union.
For example, you want a loved one to always be there, listen to you, make you laugh, satisfy sexual desires, notice when something goes wrong, and lift the toilet seat. But this is practically impossible.
Therefore, your needs should be carefully analyzed. Perhaps some of them will be able to satisfy with the help of friends or even independently. For example, you like to train and want to have a sports partner. Of course, it's good when it's a loved one, but you can find willing people among your friends.
Needs should also be divided into three main categories: "Now", "Later" and "In the future". Think about what needs you want to satisfy at the moment, which will be next, and which can be postponed for the future.
However, do not forget that circumstances change, and with them our needs can transform.
Very often we give a loved one what we want to receive ourselves. But all you have to do is ask him about what you need.
If you are tired of constantly listening to your partner and not getting the same attention in return, talk about it. If it seems to you that you are much more loaded with household duties, ask your loved one to cook dinner. Stop waiting for the situation to change — take the initiative into your own hands.
Asking for satisfaction of your needs does not mean demanding at all. You can express your desires, but your partner still has the right to define his own boundaries and say how ready he is to meet your expectations.
For a happy relationship, all the needs of a couple must be noticed, but not necessarily all of them must be satisfied.
If you decide to fulfill your partner's wishes, it should be done free of charge, without expecting anything in return. And if you can't or don't want to, it's better to give up right away. Saying "no" from time to time is an act of self—preservation and protection of your right to remain yourself.
In addition, it is also important how exactly you declare your needs:
Remember that one person cannot satisfy absolutely all your needs. Healthy relationships are a series of "service exchanges": we give, we receive, and then we give again. The question is different. What are you ready to give to your partner and what do you need to get in order to improve not only your relationship, but also yourself?
