Erotic fantasies are a topic that excites, fascinates and scares a little. Who wouldn't like to get a glimpse into someone else's dreams? As the author of a blog about sex and relationships, I sometimes succeed. After all, it is easier for many to share revelations with a complete stranger than with a partner or spouse.
The American Nancy Friday (1933-2017), who devoted decades to collecting letters with erotic confessions of real people, is rightfully considered the main expert on sexual fantasies. Back in 1973, she released a collection of women's confessions, My Secret Garden, forever upending society's perception that "girls don't think about such things." And in 1980, her book Men in Love was published, which collected two hundred men's letters under one cover.
The themes of men's fantasies are as diverse as the genres on the porn site: oral and anal sex, swinging and orgies, BDSM and fetishism, romantic stories and incest… But there are several things that unite these plots and distinguish them from women's fantasies, noted Nancy Friday. Men in love Nancy Friday.
In women's letters, the motif of sex with a strong handsome man who resolutely takes the main character is popular. It would seem that in men's fantasies it should be the same, but in a mirror image: the domineering hero passionately takes a submissive beauty ...
But that's not really what guys dream about. Men rarely fantasize about submissive and passive girls, about forced sex or violence, found out Nancy Friday. Men in love Friday. Even in sadomasochistic fantasies, men, like women, are much more likely to choose a subordinate role.
Men are not a reflection of women's fears and aspirations. These are living people with their own hopes and desires, who do not at all strive to be who others would like them to be.
The heroines of men's fantasies may look completely different, but they have one thing in common: they passionately want a man to do exactly that to them. They never condemn, but accept it with joy. A man dreams of a woman who loves sex, who wants him — and the rest is secondary.
No matter what a man does with his imaginary mistress, she reacts with delight: "Yes! More!" Even in the harshest BDSM fantasies, pain and humiliation are not the goal, but the means to "cause pleasure." And therefore, a fantasy girl will never reject a man for his desires, but on the contrary, she will always reward him with love.
Women's fantasies often feature a sexy stranger who has neither a face nor a name. In most of the letters collected by Nancy Friday, girls do not dream of any real-life men: neither a boyfriend, nor a friend's husband, nor an ex. They prefer abstract lovers.
But a man's fantasies are much more likely to feature real women whom he knows or knew. A sexy teacher from childhood; a girlfriend who gave you your first blowjob; a spectacular brunette you stared at on the street...
Many people fantasize about their wives or girlfriends — current or former. Some people like to replay their real sex in their head over and over again, complementing it with piquant details that did not exist in life. And we also love fantasies about women with whom nothing happened at the time. It's nice to imagine an alternative ending: what if?..
If you believe men's fantasies, every detail is beautiful in a woman's body. This is especially noticeable in relation to female genitalia. If girls often find their own genitals ugly, then most guys treat them with delight and adoration, notes Nancy Friday. Men in love Nancy Friday. Some partners find such interest suspicious ("he can't like it"), but the fact remains that a huge number of men's fantasies revolve around the love of the vulva and cunnilingus.
It's a similar story with anal sex. Even those women who like him usually say that they did not fall in love with him immediately. But for most men, anal caresses, judging by fantasies, initially do not seem to be something "dirty": many willingly imagine themselves in both an active and a passive role. (But here, of course, it is important not to confuse beautiful fantasies with harsh reality.)
Tradition dictates the role of a seducer to a man: he must seek a woman, he must "deserve" sex. But he also wants so much to feel welcome! I wish that at least once a sexy beauty would notice him and seduce him.
This is probably why the main character of many men's fantasies is an active, liberated beauty, a real "sex aggressor". She will be the first to take the initiative, meet a man on the doorstep in his underwear, drag him into bed and "fuck him properly."
Inspired by fantasy stories, do not forget about the main thing. Fantasies are not hidden desires, do not get tired Nancy Friday. Men in love underline Friday. They don't say anything about a person's character or what they really want from sex. Some dreams are better off staying in an imaginary world.
Our fantasies are our "secret garden". Telling your partner your thoughts is an act of the highest trust and a great risk. If you are trying to share your most intimate things, be patient and careful. Excessive frankness can hurt and leave an indelible scar in the soul, warns Nancy Friday.
And yet, in the letters of men and women who decided to open their erotic dreams to each other, there are many stories with a happy ending. The main difference between these "success stories" is the absence of any coercion and condemnation. Yes, the opportunity to share secrets with a partner is happiness that is not available to everyone. But it is all the more valuable for those who are lucky after all.
