The reality of life is such that even if a couple consciously strives for a relationship on an equal footing, it is not always possible to avoid unhealthy behaviors. Among them is the situation when one partner becomes a "parent" for the other. At first, this dynamic seems very convenient. A "parent" may like that he has a specific goal and that someone needs him, and a "child" may like that he has the opportunity to enjoy attention and not take the initiative and responsibility. But it is very difficult to maintain a long and happy relationship with such a distribution of roles.

Why it is possible to be in the role of a "parent" for a partner

The obvious explanation is that your partner may be an emotionally immature person who has not yet learned to be an adult. But that's not the only reason. Here are just a few examples out of many possible ones:

Your parents' marriage was built on a similar dynamic of relationships.
As a child, you were told that a potential husband or wife should be brought up from the day they met.
In the past, you have faced trauma, anxiety or uncertainty and now subconsciously "mold" a partner into the person you need to gain a sense of stability and security.

The most effective way to discover the root of the problem is to contact a psychologist. A specialist will help to find and correct the settings that form such a behavior model.

What to do if the "parent" in the relationship is you

Whatever the reason, if you are not satisfied with the distribution of roles in the relationship, the situation needs to be corrected. Try the following methods to start.

Define your desires

Think about whether you want to continue the relationship or not. To do this, experts advise Why “Raising” Your Partner Can End in Relationship Burnout / Psychology Today ask two questions:

Do I really love this person?
What exactly do I like about him?

Perhaps you will remind yourself that you are bound by important common values and beliefs, which means that it is worth fighting for a relationship. Or, on the contrary, you will come to the opposite conclusion and realize that it's time for you to break up. In any case, the answers to the questions will help you better understand what exactly you want.

Take a step back

Give your partner more opportunities to take initiative and contribute to the relationship. Ask him for help more often and be interested in how he would deal with this or that issue, and do not do everything yourself. Make decisions together and share responsibility for the results, even if it's just about small chores like taking out garbage or washing dishes.

At first, you may feel anxious and uncomfortable. But if your partner gets involved in the process and starts acting, it will help to strengthen trust in the couple.

Switch attention to yourself

If you decide to continue the relationship, it may be useful for you to distract yourself from the process of educating and improving your partner and take time for yourself. For example, contact a psychologist and together with him analyze the internal attitudes that led you to the parent—child role model.

In addition, when a partner does something wrong, try not to redo everything in your own way, but to explain to him exactly what he made a mistake, and also talk openly about your needs. This way you will get rid of the growing feeling of irritation and resentment and will be able to deepen a trusting relationship with your partner.