Under its influence, we divide everything into diametrically opposite categories. For example, we consider a new colleague either amazing or very boring, and we say about an evening with friends that it was either cool or disgusting. In fact, life is not black and white ‑ it always has a variety of shades of at least gray.
Try to catch this setup as soon as it appears in your mind. For example, you came to a friend's birthday party, your favorite music is playing, and you think: "If you dance, it's only perfect, otherwise I'll look stupid."
Change the course of your thoughts no less categorically. Let's say, "I love dancing, so I'm going to go on the dance floor and try to have fun." Then lower the degree of categoricality even more: "Yes, I'm not the best dancer, but I won't see half of these people anymore." Or, "I'll dance during the next two songs and if I'm still uncomfortable, I'll go back to the table."
Searching for alternative statements helps to break the all-or-nothing mindset and notice nuances in different situations.
Because of this pattern of thinking, we reject positive statements and thoughts, convincing ourselves that they "don't count" for one reason or another. For example, a boss praises you in front of colleagues, and when someone mentions it later, you reply: "He said that because he saw me right in front of him, he couldn't help but notice."
When you reject the positive, you unwittingly give strength to negative beliefs about you and your life. If you find it difficult to accept compliments, start with the simplest phrases, such as "Thank you" or "I am very pleased." Try to imagine what your life would be like if you believed in the truthfulness of the flattering words you hear addressed to yourself.
When our internal dialogue is full of the words "should", "need" or "necessary", it increases feelings of anger and frustration. For example, the boss gives you a task and wants you to complete it by Monday, and you tell yourself: "I have to do everything by Friday, otherwise I'm a lazy jerk."
"Must", "need", "necessary" are restrictive and coercive words. They make us feel like we have no choice and overestimate our expectations. Change the language you use when talking to yourself. For example, start using the words "I can", "I choose", "I decide" more often. This will give you more freedom in your thoughts and actions.
The essence of this model is that we notice general rules in specific situations and apply them in completely different circumstances. At the same time, most of these conclusions are more often negative than positive. For example, when you go home after a failed interview, you think: "People don't like me and, in general, I will always be alone."
When you notice that you are starting to indiscriminately try on past results for the upcoming situation, remind yourself that the outcome is different in each case. Today's failure does not mean that there is a future ahead of you, which consists only of failures. The more often you argue with this model of thinking, the sooner you will be able to defeat it.
Because of it, we consider ourselves the cause of unpleasant events, for which we are not really responsible at all or share it with others. We blame ourselves for other people's failures, berate ourselves for minor miscalculations, or associate any external events with ourselves, even when there is no reason for this. All this has a bad effect not only on everyday life, but also on the idea of your own self.
This model of thinking can take a variety of forms. For example, you booked a table for yourself and friends, and when you came to the restaurant, it turned out that you were not on the list. And you think, "It's my fault." Or you organized a trip to the sea for the whole family, but it rained most of the rest. And you tell yourself: "It's my fault because I wanted us to be lucky with the weather too much."
Personalization is related to our desire to look responsible and effective in the eyes of others, but it only creates unnecessary and unjustified pressure. Soberly assess your contribution to the current situation and remind yourself that some things are impossible to control. For example, in a table reservation situation, you could call the restaurant again and double-check the reservation. However, the administrator might not have recorded you, or the computer system crashed, which means that this is not only your responsibility.
If you find yourself with several patterns of thinking at once, work on them one at a time. To do this, you will need to make an effort. It is important not only to know that you have a certain attitude, but also to catch yourself in time to replace an irrational pattern with a more constructive and positive option.
Once you get rid of irrational patterns, you will become more emotionally flexible, learn to adapt to changes and recover quickly after defeats. Break down the mental attitudes that bind and limit you, and you will discover the path to a fuller life.
