Think about the last time you felt your body tense and on edge. Maybe your partner was very late, and you couldn't reach him all evening. Or your computer broke down right before an important deadline. Maybe your child threw a tantrum in the middle of the store. Or you were waiting for the test results at the hospital.
Now remember how you reacted to the tension. Did you eat an entire package of cookies? Have you started maniacally tidying up the kitchen? Have you succumbed to the irresistible desire to scroll through the feed on the social network? Did you arrange a grand shopping in an online store?
In moments of extreme tension, we try with all our might to distance ourselves from our own inner life, because we come face to face with our vulnerability. We are provoked by unpleasant sensations in the body, which precede the emotions raging inside. And we are ready to do anything to escape from them.
This is when we are overcome by a sudden desire to do business, eat, drink, go shopping or just take a walk. In this way, we switch our attention from our emotions to something else, often automatically.
Our inner experiences inform us of our vulnerability, and we intentionally or unconsciously dismiss them as something insignificant. We ignore the stress signals that our body sends and continue to exhaust ourselves until we reach exhaustion, burnout, depression or physical illness.
Often, without feeling sorry for ourselves, we reject the reality of our vulnerability. We crave certainty and control in a world that can offer us neither. We notice our discomfort, and then try to control ourselves or the world around us to get rid of this feeling.
All this is pretty exhausting. At least because real life offers a lot more options for the development of events than we are able to imagine.
The habit of constantly engaging in self-criticism may be related to childhood experiences. If a child is left alone with himself when he shows strong emotions, he learns to see the connection between vulnerability and loneliness. And so, as an adult, he tells himself that he would be fine if he put in more effort, was smarter, nicer, attractive, patient, or acted differently.
This creates a harsh, harsh internal environment that leads to shallow emotional experiences, low self-esteem, and possibly depression.
If it is experienced as sadness and looks like sadness, is it sadness? No. Sometimes completely different feelings take care of distancing us from the pain. If in childhood we were forbidden to be angry, we can be sad during quarrels. If sadness was considered a weakness, we can get angry and push people away when we are sad. Or feel guilty about being angry at someone we care about.
All these "false" feelings can drive us into a dead end, from which we will not come out until we deal with the real emotions — those that we actually experience.
Science confirms T. Beblo, S. Fernando, et al. Increased suppression of negative and positive emotions in major depression / Journal of Affective Disorders that people who avoid any emotions, both negative and positive, are at greater risk of experiencing depression. In addition, the suppression of feelings also affects our physical condition, for example, increases P. J. Quartana, J. W. Burns. Emotion suppression affects cardiovascular responses to initial and subsequent laboratory stressors / British Journal of Health Psychology the probability of developing heart disease.
Instead of avoiding the emotions that are caused by vulnerability, it is worth changing the approach. Try to learn how to slow down and really feel your body in order to calm your nervous system and connect to your deepest feelings. This will allow you to get rid of the need to control everything, which leads to anxiety, get rid of self-criticism, which causes apathy, and feel the power that lies in vulnerability.
Contact with our emotions brings T. Hu, D. Zhang, et al. Relation between emotion regulation and mental health: A meta‑analysis review / Psychological Reports we are greatly benefited. It helps us to find the meaning of life, mitigate the effects of stress, more consciously accept J. A. Mikels, S. J. Maglio, et al. Should I go with my gut? Investigating the benefits of emotion‑focused decision making / Emotion solutions and balance mental health.
We don't need to distance ourselves from our pain and avoid it. She also has the charm of life. When we feel stressed, it's a signal that we are vulnerable, and vulnerability helps our personal growth. Emotions are energy that can not only transform our personality, but also bring us closer to a more intense, authentic life.
