How to teach a child to fulfill promises

The right approach, according to Einat Nathan, will help to grow not an obedient and justified someone's expectations, but an independent, strong, purposeful person who is able to be responsible for his actions.

In Russian, her book "The Meaning of my life. What kind of parent I want to be and what kind of children I want to raise" was published by the publishing house "MYTH". Lifehacker publishes chapter 21 on arrangements with the child.

I spent my summer holidays in Haifa. Once I was playing in the sandbox with a friend, the same seven‑year-old girl. We left the sandbox and headed for the swing, and then I noticed that my mother's wedding ring was missing. It probably slipped off my baby finger into the sand, as if laughing at the promise I had made to myself two hours earlier: "Watch the ring, don't take it outside, leave it on the nightstand next to mom's bed whenever I finish playing with it. Remember that Mom values this ring very much."

The promise is broken. I, a second-grader, got down on all fours and started working with my hands, like small excavators. My heart was pounding, my chin was shaking, and the grains of sand did not want to obey me in any way. The friend soon went home. I also had to go home and tell my mom that I had lost her wedding ring.

We want to raise children who understand that promises and agreements must be fulfilled, but how many times a day do we conclude agreements with our children that are then violated? Usually everything starts with our "no", which is immediately followed by grueling negotiations. And we, as if forgetting why we answered "no" at first, offer the child a compromise: "I'll give you another candy if you promise that you won't ask for sweets tomorrow," "You can watch TV now if you promise that you'll wake up on time." A few days ago, I myself heard a mother negotiate with her son on the playground: she would allow him to climb a high slide if he promised that he would not fall.

Can a four-year-old make a promise relating to the future, especially if he has to give up his desires at this moment in the future?

And if the child does not fulfill the contract concluded at the moment when he was ready to sell mom and dad for another chocolate bar, how does this characterize him? And what can we say about us, parents, and our rules, if every time we are faced with a manifestation of dissatisfaction on the part of a child, we make concessions and agree to replace our decision with an agreement that will provide us with a little peace in the next five minutes? We want our children to be aware of the importance and value of agreements, but is it possible to avoid the classic traps that only convince our children that they cannot be relied on?

The meaning of concluding an agreement with the child is that the parent makes a slight relaxation in relation to any rule (the number of sweets, watching cartoons, time for entertainment, daily routine, and so on), and the child, in turn, confirms the agreement and makes a promise, thus showing that he also compromises. The parent gives the child independence, and the child shows responsibility. This is the essence of the conflict between parents and children, which reaches its peak in adolescence: children demand independence, but forget about responsibility, whereas parents, on the contrary, demand responsibility, but forget about independence.

Before children become teenagers, they go through infancy and childhood — the so—called tender age ‑ and when we are dealing with something tender, care should be taken not to crush the delicate creature.

Children do not know how to think in terms of the past, present and future, so they are not able to build serious agreements.

When sweets, a gift, a gadget or any other pleasure are at stake, children will speak to us in the language of agreements, but they will not be able to observe them on an emotional level. We must fulfill these agreements for the sake of our children, because we have agreed. No need to scold children, just remind them: a deal is a deal.

In order to teach children to fulfill agreements, it is necessary to understand what skills are required for this. For example: responsibility, the ability to restrain yourself, compromise, willingness to delay receiving a reward, the ability to put yourself in the place of another person. Before you learn from your own experience whether your child has these qualities, ask yourself what is the probability that he will be able to comply with the agreement. The child will agree to fulfill an agreement that will deprive him of something very desirable if you prove to him that he has all the qualities necessary for this, provide powerful positive reinforcement and convince him that the game is worth the candle. Every time you notice even a faint hint of the manifestation of these qualities, tell the child that he is very responsible, that he has demonstrated the strength of his character, that you trust him. After all, our children so rarely hear that we can rely on them, that we trust them, but these words have a huge impact on their ability to trust themselves.

Of course, it is best to give children a personal example: not to explain, but to show.

Start with small arrangements, when only you will pay. Promise to take the child to the pool, or buy him a little surprise, or come home not too late. Seal the contract with a handshake, as if the child also assumes some part of the obligations. And fulfill the contract. On the way to the pool, tell your child how glad you are that you signed this agreement, because in fact you didn't really want to go to the pool, but thanks to your agreement you are going there together. Talk with your child about the fact that it is not always convenient to follow agreements in life, but it is very important to do this, because the result has its own value, often more significant than comfort or pleasure.

When you feel that the child is ready to practice, offer him an agreement on something specific. For example: "I'll let you watch the rest of the show, but right after we take a bath." And when the child starts protesting, crying, getting annoyed, or trying to make a new agreement, just take him to the bathroom. Don't get angry, don't tell him, "You can't be trusted." Help him take a bath, showing compassion and at the same time perseverance. When you finish the water treatments, even if everything does not go too smoothly, wrap the child in a towel and whisper to him how great it is that he fulfilled his part of the agreement and allowed you to bathe him.

Every time you realize that a child makes a promise only because he wants something badly, but tomorrow or a week later, when you come for your part of the deal, he will not be able to fulfill his obligation (since small children have insufficiently developed abstract thinking, the main thing for them — here and now), decide for yourself whether you are ready to provide a loan to a borrower who has no money.

Keep firm if the fulfillment of the agreement is important to you, and give in if the violation of the agreement is not so critical.

When our children shake hands with us, thus sealing the contract, they sincerely want to keep their word and are determined. Exactly the same thing we do when we say to ourselves: "Starting tomorrow, I'm going on a diet" or "I won't be mad at the kids anymore for taking so long to get ready in the morning." We don't always keep even the promises we make to ourselves, and our children don't always keep their promises either. This is human nature.

Einat Nathan is well versed in the psychology of children and knows exactly how to solve problems familiar to every parent. She wisely and calmly explains how to listen to children and how to talk to them, how to take care, but not limit, how to react to pain, anger and tears, how to survive bullying and not only. Her book will become a support for every parent, teach them to show more patience, keep calm in an era of high expectations, appreciate and accept each child as a person.