You are in a relationship, but at one point sex has disappeared somewhere, even though the partner is here, next to you. It's cruel and unfair, but it happens. The main rule is to fantasize less, clarify more.
Sometimes the temporary absence of sex is not a sudden difficulty, but a logical consequence of what is happening. For example, you recently had a baby and now both are not up to sex, to establish a dream. Or are you both going through a lot of stress.
If the amount of sex has decreased, and all the participants are not up to it now, nothing terrible happens. You just have to wait until this period is over. If there is a desire (at least you have), but there is no sex, then we must admit: you have a problem and you need to deal with it.
Often people think of something themselves, but do not talk to a partner. This is understandable: conversations about sex are uncomfortable for many couples. But there is power in conversation. It is he who helps to find out for sure what the problem is.
If a conversation is necessary, follow two rules. First: speak only from self-messages, avoiding partner's accusations. Second: talk about your feelings.
Instead of saying, "You don't satisfy me" or "You're a bad lover" (accusation), share your condition with your partner: "I feel dissatisfied", "I want sex so much!" or more modestly: "I miss your caresses so much." And add a sentence, what to do about it: "Let's talk about it?".
"Feel free to recall some dizzying sex from the past: "Like then, remember. You just drove me crazy.“ This will allow the partner to hear your need, feel needed and desired. The offer of a dialogue will give him an opportunity to speak out. When building a further conversation, follow these rules, even if your partner behaves differently," the psychologist advises.
You can give your partner time to prepare and ask when it will be convenient for him to talk. If in response to the question "What's going on?" you only hear "Nothing" — it's not a conversation. We need to insist on a detailed answer. If the partner dodges in every possible way, explain that you are determined to talk and clarify everything, even if you have to overcome the awkwardness.
It is also important to try to be as sincere and open as possible. Hiding and not telling is a failed strategy for such conversations.
Remember the basic rules for such conversations:
The process of exchanging emotions and worries can be healing in itself. The main thing is to start.
The absence of sex in a couple is an unspoken agreement accepted by both parties. Therefore, I suggest not to be tormented by a sense of guilt, because when we want to make amends for it, we do more than necessary for the partner, we make concessions more often, and your partner turns out to win twice: he not only avoids intimacy, but also receives additional bonuses for it. Deep down, you understand the dishonesty of this situation and accumulate irritation. So the feeling of guilt is not your helper.
Sexual desire is flexible and mobile, it is influenced by different things: from the state of the hormonal background to the degree of workload at work. And it's not at all a fact that the reason is you. Therefore, it is not necessary to look for the one who is to blame. We have to decide what to do.
Expert in the field of sex education Emily Nagoski draws Emily Nagoski. The keys to a happier, healthier sex life / TEDxUniversityofNevada attention to the fact that a person's sexual desire is controlled by the brain using a simple "gas-brake" system.
There is a gas pedal in the brain that reacts to sexually stimulating factors: everything we hear, see, smell and taste, feel, touch, imagine — and that our brain is used to associate with sexual arousal.
There is also a brake in the brain that reacts to possible threats: again, everything that we hear, see, smell and taste, feel, touch, imagine — and that our brain is used to interpret as an excuse to suppress excitement.
There is no sudden loss of sexual desire for no reason. It can be anything:
Or maybe the partner is just tired of taking the initiative himself and is waiting for you to show it. In other words, there can be a lot of options.
The main task is to remove the factors that interfere with attraction. Think about what you, as a partner, can do to change the situation.
Emily Nagoski draws attention to how contextual are the stimuli that encourage people to feel (or not feel) sexual desire when the problem is the lack of emotional connection and support.
Imagine that you are watching your partner load the washing machine. If you feel supported and emotionally connected in this relationship, then such a sight can cause you to have erotic thoughts.
But if you are dissatisfied with the fact that, say, you have had to do laundry mostly lately, then you will only think: "Well, finally!" - and no sexual fantasies.
If the problem is somewhere in the spectrum of team interaction, you can not leave everything as it is and wait for the return of sex as a matter of course. It is worth showing more care and involvement in the partner's life: meet after work and talk about how the day went, share household tasks, go to a new movie together, which he has long wanted to watch. Sometimes even a timely brewed cup of tea is a significant gesture of support.
In one case, it is enough to change the oral contraceptives that suppressed libido, and the desire will return. In the other, it will take time, new emotions and a redistribution of responsibilities. The desire may not come immediately. All you have to do is wait and be open to sex.
Always the same amount of sex in a couple is an almost unreal situation for living people. A person is not a sex machine, a lot of things happen in life that affect intimacy. And this is the norm.
If a couple hasn't had sex for a while, it doesn't mean that it will always be like this now. Everyone can have stress, autumn melancholy or poorly chosen antidepressants.
The opinion that there is more sex in a free relationship, and in a married one it dies is just one of the myths. Sexual activity fluctuates Dr. Justin Lehmiller. Summer Lovin’: Research Finds That We Have More Sex In The Summer / Sex and Psychology even within the year, rising in summer and falling in winter with a surge on New Year's holidays, let alone for a longer time.
Relationships do not give unlimited access to the partner's body. Sexual life is a matter of consent, agreements and individual preferences. If you both want to continue the relationship and have sex, treat the temporary lack of intimacy as a quest in which you are one team and must pass the test together.
