Scientists from Harvard in the course of a study that lasted more than 80 years, established Good genes are nice, but joy is better / The Harvard Gasette : open, sincere relationships help us feel happy and strengthen our health. And the most accessible way to establish mutual understanding and strengthen trust is not to be silent. To talk directly about what you think, feel, what you value, and what you would like to change. These phrases will help you.
Options: "I'm with you", "I'm on your side", "We're together" and other phrases that show: no matter what happens, you will support your partner.
When something unexpected and unpleasant happens, anyone can get confused and feel vulnerable. If a loved one is in such a state, you should not reproach him and even more so demand that he immediately pull himself together and act. Everyone sometimes needs time to realize what happened and gather their strength.
For example, the boss announced that the department where your partner works will be downsized from next month, so it's time to look for a new job. It is not necessary to advise you to immediately subscribe to all channels with vacancies and start sending out resumes today. The time for active actions will definitely come, but later. And today, a loved one needs support. It is important for him to feel that he is not going through what happened alone and can rely on you.
Options: "Thank you, this is exactly what I need right now", "How grateful I am to you/ grateful that you remember even the little things", "Thank you, it was very timely".
The words of gratitude will sound even more convincing if you tell us what exactly you are grateful to your partner for. This will help Power of ‘thank you’ for couples / Science Daily he will better understand your needs and make the relationship more trusting.
The words "Thank you for taking care" are also pleasant. But here is another phrase, more specific: "Thank you for bringing me a thermos of tea. A sip of something hot is exactly what I was missing." It shows that you do not appreciate abstract care, but are grateful for every action. And you don't think that the default partner should do something good for you.
Options: "I was wrong / wrong", "I'm sorry that I brushed off / brushed off your warnings", "I'm sorry, I behaved/behaved ugly".
Each of us makes mistakes sometime, and it is important to show that we are able to admit that we were wrong. If we make it clear to another that we are ready to look at ourselves critically, it will not make us weak in his eyes. On the contrary, it will show that we are not afraid to be open and vulnerable. So, it will help to strengthen trust.
Options: "It hurts me when you say that", "I feel lonely when you forget to call", "I really miss our conversations in the evenings".
If there is tension in the relationship, it is better to discuss the situation immediately. But not in the form of a scandal, without accusations and generalizations.
Phrases: "You always think only of yourself! I don't understand at all why we are still together!" won't help resolve the conflict. They will force the partner to go on the defensive, and in this state people are unlikely to be able to agree. Silence will also only complicate the situation.
Try to calmly communicate what exactly is upsetting you and why it is important for you to fix it. It is worth using I‑messages, that is, to talk only about your emotions. For example: "When you silently leave dirty dishes in the sink, I get upset. I feel like a kitchen maid. If you don't have time to wash, please warn me. But if I'm in a hurry, I'll do the same."
Options: "I really strive to figure out why we are fighting with you", "It is important for me to understand why you are sad", "I care what your mood is."
Perhaps your partner is worried about something or is not satisfied. The first thought is that it's all about your relationship with him. But maybe something else is bothering him: troubles at work, problems with friends or relatives. Or he just has a difficult period that requires serious changes in his life. It happens that a person himself cannot formulate what is bothering him, or does not know how to start a difficult conversation.
It is worth showing that you value not only your emotional comfort, but also the well-being of a loved one. And we are ready to meet him halfway.
Sometimes it is difficult to immediately formulate what does not suit you in a conflict situation. Or agree that you were wrong and should have done differently. Maybe you are in pain and can not cope with resentment or disappointment in any way. But I don't want to be silent either — suddenly it will further distance you from each other.
In this case, you can just admit that it's bad for you to be in a quarrel. If you want to establish mutual understanding, just say so. It may not work out right away to make up. But you will take the first, most difficult step towards establishing a relationship.
You've reported everything that bothers you. The partner also showed what the situation looks like from his point of view. But you both don't know how to overcome the conflict yet.
A good way is to suggest looking for a way out together. Maybe an option that will suit both will not appear immediately. But you will definitely get to know each other better, understand what is important to the other, and be able to look at your position from his side. This means that you will take another important step towards mutual understanding.
Options: "I need you / need you", "I really appreciate our relationship", "I feel bad without you".
Sometimes it seems that there is no need to say such words. After all, the other already understands that if you are together, then you need each other. But sometimes it's worth repeating even the obvious things. To remind your partner that you value your relationship is to make it even stronger.
Options: "I would like to hear your opinion", "I wonder what you would do/ do in such a situation."
Adults will always have different views on some things. This is great because it helps to look at the situation from different points of view and not to miss important details. For example, you may be delighted that the boss promised to increase your salary by 20%, and do not pay attention that the responsibilities will almost double. And a partner who sees the situation from the outside will show you where the catch is.
Sometimes it's worth asking someone else what he sees from his point of view. This will help you not to make a mistake and will definitely strengthen mutual understanding.
Option : "Let me hug you."
Scientists have established B. Ditzen, I. D. Neumann, G. Bodenmann, B. von Dawans, R. A. Turner , U. Ehlert, M. Heinrichs. Effects of different kinds of couple interaction on cortisol and heart rate responses to stress in women / Psychoneuroendocrinology that touching and hugging reduce cortisol levels and help to cope with stress faster. Physical contact helps even when words are powerless.
This effect is especially pronounced in women. But it also becomes easier for men if they feel with their skin that a loved one is nearby. So don't hesitate to ask your partner to hug you. He may not notice that right now not only verbal support is important to you, but also physical contact.
If you think that your partner is vulnerable and he also needs a strong hug, tell him about it. Maybe he doesn't want to look weak and isn't ready to ask for support. But he will be glad if you take a step forward yourself.
