The publishing house "MYTH" has published a book by Sherry Campbell, an expert in the field of clinical psychology. The author of "Toxic Relatives" tells how to take care of your own emotional security in relationships with loved ones. We publish an excerpt from the fifth chapter, which contains useful phrases that help to grow healthy adults out of children.
Parents can give their children too many material things: clothes, toys, books, and so on. But there is no "too much love". If we tell children that we love them, and do it as often as possible, they will feel that they are truly dear to us. The phrase "I love you" gives children the necessary courage, confidence and support after making mistakes. These three simple words can heal wounds and really please. This is how children feel that their parents are their fans in a good way. That Dad and Mom are around and really love them.
Think about it: how do children learn to love themselves? It is on the parent example. When we tell children that we love them and back up our words with actions, we instill in them love for themselves and others.
The words "I love you" banish fear, give children confidence and a sense of security that support them throughout their lives.
To develop a healthy self-esteem, children need absolute support and approval. They are in dire need of it. Parents are the first ones children want to impress. Almost everything that children do, they do to get our love and acceptance. Yes, many parents tell their children that they are proud of them, but the quantity, quality and sincerity of these words are important. As well as hugs, love and presence next to children. We, parents, cannot always agree with the actions of children. However, we should praise them for completing the most difficult task of all — the journey to their independence.
We need to be open and confident enough to admit that we are wrong in front of children. This is how we show that we are also people and also not perfect. We should express our sympathy to them if they have suffered from our mistake. When we are sincere and modest in dealing with children, we show that perfection is unattainable — neither for them nor for us. To recognize their own imperfection, parents need to be honest. If we accept responsibility for our transgression, we thereby help children to gain the courage to realize and accept their own imperfection. Thanks to this, children learn to achieve balance, and not to be perfectionists. Taking responsibility for your mistakes creates an atmosphere of tolerance and openness. Subsequently, this atmosphere becomes the foundation on which our children learn to build all their future relationships.
None of us are perfect. There are no perfect parents. We all say what we don't think and do what we shouldn't. We all waste time, break promises, forget something important, make many other mistakes.
None of us fully meets the expectations placed on us — including our own.
We must remember all this while raising children to give them the opportunity to be ordinary people. No one, regardless of age, likes to be reminded of a bad choice or mistake. And if he is also endlessly punished for this mistake, humiliated in front of others or poked in her nose, it's just terrible. We, parents, need to find a balance: children need to understand the consequences of their actions, and at the same time we need to remember that children also have feelings. Our tasks are to make them understand that they are worthy of love, despite their shortcomings, to choose the right disciplinary measures and to forgive children if they are wrong.
It is very important to listen to children so that they understand that we are interested in what they are saying. Listening, we get an opportunity to look into their inner world and have a mutually pleasant conversation, where both the parent and the child feel their value. To avoid misunderstandings, it is useful to repeat once again to the children what we heard from their words, and make sure: we got it right. If so, we can encourage, guide and praise the child. A negative connection arises when he does not feel important, because being heard is the main component of a sense of self—worth.
How can we know our children and be close to them if we never listen to them? If we argue with them and constantly talk only about ourselves? Our children are different from us, and instead of telling them what to do and who to be, it's worth listening to them first and then giving advice (if needed). This will help children learn how to solve problems and make their own right decisions. I myself was brought up by mother, who spoke only to me, not to me, taught and very rarely listened to my needs and feelings. I want to emphasize once again: it is extremely important to listen to your children.Personal responsibility is an important part of growing up. When our children make a decision, whether wise or not, its consequences become a lesson for them. If parents develop responsibility in a child, he will learn this lesson.
Children quickly understand which actions bring a positive result and which ones bring a negative result if they have to bear personal responsibility for these actions.
However, if we start shaming and humiliating children or do nothing at all, we will not bring up responsibility in them. By training to make the right decisions, children will inevitably make bad. The main thing is not to deprive them of this opportunity, because such an experience will help them grow. Parents are needed to teach children, to intervene when the situation requires it, and to help them move forward into the future. When we encourage a child to take responsibility for his actions, we send him a clear "message": I believe that you are able to do everything necessary. Without understanding their own responsibility, children will not be able to manage their lives.
Understanding the concept of success as a direct result of effort and determination appears in children quite early. A healthy self—esteem is an armor that protects a child from the difficulties that await him in the world. We must educate children so that they know about their strengths and weaknesses and love themselves. In this case, it will be easier for our children to cope with conflicts and resist negativity. The child's belief that he has everything necessary for success helps him to be more optimistic about life and what lies ahead.
One of the most important gifts we give to our children is our faith in them.
We should encourage their efforts, celebrate their achievements and support them after failures. We must explain to our children that failures are an integral part of life and sometimes difficulties help to achieve new successes. Failures teach children to understand what the puncture was, after which they can try again. Having learned to look for a way to triumphs through defeats, they will pave their way to a happy life.
Love and discipline should be the guiding forces in the upbringing of children. Discipline and humiliation don't go hand in hand. If you break a child's self-esteem, he will deal with the consequences all his life. Be careful: when children grow up, it will be much more difficult to change their attitude towards them. That is why it is necessary to start forming high self-esteem in children as early as possible and do it consistently and sincerely. When our children try, fail, try again, fail again, and then still succeed, they get a rough idea of their abilities. At the same time, their ideas about themselves are formed on the basis of communication with us and other people. The more supportive and positive this communication is, the more resilient and confident our children become.
The book "Toxic relatives" will help to understand difficult relationships with loved ones. With her, you will learn to delineate personal boundaries , give a respectful rebuff and properly build communication in the family.
Buy a book