How to behave with emotionally immature parents

Sometimes it can be very difficult with Mom and dad. Especially when they behave like little children — selfishly and impulsively. They do not perceive your independence, deny your opinion without any reason, or simply do not think about your feelings. Communication with such parents turns into an endless quest in which you try to deal with complex relationships and maintain mental health. Fortunately, this path can be greatly facilitated.

What types of emotionally immature parents exist

There are several signs that may indicate that your mom or dad are emotionally immature people. For example, they are actively trying to become "their own", blurring the line between a parent and a friend, unnecessarily dramatize any situation and emotionally depend on you, build a model of education based on what they themselves did not receive in childhood.

In addition, psychologists distinguish How Emotionally Immature Parenting Affects Our Adult Lives / Psychology Today four types of emotionally immature parents:

1. Controlling. They set an unrealistic bar of expectations for the child and punish him if he does not reach it. Such adults interfere in the lives of children and ignore their personal boundaries, criticize, and often show anger. Children who grew up with controlling parents become perfectionists and workaholics, treat themselves too strictly and do not allow themselves to experience emotions.
2. Emotional (or unemotional). They are characterized by sharp mood swings, may feel an emotional need for a child or, conversely, show coldness and detachment. Most often, such parents try to cope with their own injuries. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere of chaos are prone to anxiety and depression. They don't feel connected to their emotions, especially when it comes to showing their vulnerability.
3. Rejecting. Such parents repel the child and prefer to spend time alone rather than pay attention to education. Rejecting moms and dads themselves were usually brought up in a similar way, when they had to solve problems on their own while adults went about their business. When parents of this type do interact with children, they are demanding and may even stoop to insults against them. Those who grew up in such families often lack empathy, they are egoistic and repel others, despite the fact that they need a close connection with them.
4. Passive. They avoid conflicts at all costs, and it is easy to find a common language with them. Such moms and dads may seem "cool", although in fact their parenting style is based on what adults want, not what the child wants. To others, parents of this type seem frivolous. Often they neglect the emotional needs of the child or downplay them because it is difficult for them to cope with them. As adults, children of passive parents may suffer from anxiety and depression, feel anger and shame towards themselves and contempt for mom and dad. They try not to show their vulnerability and often demonstrate coldness in dealing with other people.

It is important to understand that parents can either put pressure on their child and control him, or ignore him. These are the two extremes of the spectrum of emotional immaturity. When you identify a specific type, it becomes easier for you to identify patterns of dysfunctional behavior and work with them. At the same time, you can also deal with a mixed type, which should also be remembered.

How to communicate with emotionally immature parents

Accept

The child of emotionally immature parents wants to believe that one day they will admit all their mistakes, take responsibility and apologize to him. Unfortunately, in reality this happens quite rarely. It is very difficult for such mothers and dads to realize what damage they have done and continue to do to their children.

Allow yourself to "mourn" the perfect relationship with your parents, which you never had and most likely will not have. Otherwise, deep down, you will not give up hope that your father or mother will change, and continue to tolerate their behavior, in which there is nothing good either for you or for them.

Mark the boundaries

First you need to establish an external framework that defines the behavior that you expect from mom and dad. Then — to deal with the internal boundaries, that is, to decide what you are ready and not ready to tolerate, what you can and cannot get from your parents. It's not easy, but it's necessary to break long-standing unhealthy habits.

Be prepared for the fact that parents will continue to bring you to the boiling point, because emotional immaturity does not allow them to respect your personal boundaries. In this case, you should not make excuses, defend your decisions, argue and even explain why you designate some kind of framework. Most likely, parents will still resist and insist on their own.

Find a way to meet your needs

Think about who can give you the love and open communication that you don't have with your parents. Maybe it's a mentor who understands you, or a family member with whom you maintain close contact. By satisfying your needs, which are ignored by your parents, you will gradually get rid of the negative patterns of behavior and thinking that you grew up with.