Finding out what is happening in the partner's daily life, what he thinks about, is useful for relationships. You can start with a simple "How was your day?". But an even deeper connection is formed by periodic conversations about thoughts, feelings, fears, and so on.
Dr. John Gotman has been studying couples in relationships for more than 40 years. He noted K. T. Buehlman, J. M. Gottman, L. F. Katz. How a couple views their past predicts their future: Predicting divorce from an oral history interview / Journal of Family Psychology that partners who were not interested in each other's affairs or did not respond to the satellite's attempts to start communication were more likely to break up.
Psychologists usually advise when quarreling to use not "you‑messages", but "I‑messages". That is, to talk not about what a person did wrong, but about how it made you feel. For example, if a partner is often late, it's better not to attack him with the phrase "You're always late because you don't care about me." It is more productive to explain: "When you are late, I get upset, it seems to me that our agreements are not important enough for you" or "I get angry when I wait for someone, because there is time that could have been spent on something useful."
Gottman's research confirms this. Relationships work better when partners do not close, do not defend themselves, do not criticize and do not consider a quarrel a battle in which someone must win. Instead, they listen to each other and discuss what happened.
In one of the studies J. A. Coan, H. S. Schaefer, R. J. Davidson. Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat / Psychological Science married women were lightly electrocuted. They were asked to experience this moment on their own, holding the hand of a stranger or a husband. When the spouse was around, the stress from the shock was lower, and the effect of this was comparable to an analgesic drug. This was confirmed by a brain scan. At the same time, the happier the couple was, the greater the positive effect of the touch.
That is, a handshake literally allows you to share feelings, to be together in grief and in joy.
In the series "It happens worse" there is a dialogue, which then spread widely in social networks:
— Mike, why didn't you say you loved me?
— I said that at our wedding. If anything changes, I'll let you know.
This approach is not very effective. A lot is decided in a relationship L. M. Vowels, R. R. Francois‑Walcott, R. E. Perks. Be free together rather than confined together: A qualitative exploration of how relationships changed in the early COVID‑19 pandemic / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships small interactions that delight and allow partners to constantly feel that there is a connection between them. These can be messages with compliments during the day, small gifts, rituals in the form of a kiss goodbye — all that many consider sentimental excesses.
Getting a new experience helps A. Aron, C. C. Norman, E. N. Aron, C. McKenna, R. E. Heyman. Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality / J Pers Soc Psychol refresh the relationship. This can be especially important for partners who have been together for a long time and feel how routine begins to absorb them.
Moreover, as a new experience, literally anything that both like is suitable — from walking around an unusual area of the city to going to an unusual kind of sport . If only together.
And show this gratitude. In a series of everyday life, it's easy to forget why you once fell in love with a person and how much he does for you. Therefore, it is useful for a relationship to remind yourself of this every day and say thank you to your partner.
As research shows S. B. Algoe, S. L.Gable, N. C. Maisel. It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships / Personal Relationships , grateful couples are more satisfied with their relationship.
