How to raise a good inner parent and why it is necessary

Clinical psychologist and gestalt therapist Vladislav Chubarov has published a book "Attachment and separation". In it, the author, based on 20 years of counseling experience, tells how adult children can live their lives and not depend on their parents psychologically.

With the permission of Alpina Publisher, we publish an excerpt from Chapter 5 on how to turn a demanding inner parent into a caring one and finally stop scolding yourself for any mistake.

In the first part of the book, where it talks about emotional development and the prerequisites for separation, I noted that the child internalizes the parent as he grows. This means that a person has an inner mother who reacts in a certain way to different situations.

For example, you made a mistake. If your inner mom is a reliable parent, the first thought will be something like: "So, I made a mistake, I need to fix it. I'm sure it will be better next time."

If your inner mother has always scolded you even for fours, perhaps you will automatically think: "Everything is wrong again, I am worthless, what a shame."

I'm intentionally simplifying, but in general, the mechanism works like this. Is it possible at least occasionally to replace the voice of an unreliable inner parent with something more useful? Of course you can.

Where does this "something" come from? You need to remember and update the experience when you received other reactions to your actions. In the case of mistakes, it can be, for example, a good teacher: "You did a great job! Not everything is smooth here and here, but I see that you tried." Or the coach: "This is already a result, keep it up, repeat it 50 more times, and everything will work out." Try to specially represent these people, scenes from the past with their participation — let them tell you pleasant and warm words, praise you. Put them next to the inner parent, and your reactions and emotions will become more diverse.

Gradually, you will have a kind of "collective" inner parent, good and kind, who can be involved in a difficult situation instead of what was initially started.

Of course, if something happens suddenly, the stereotypical "mom's voice" may still sound inside. But the more often you practice and use your imagination, the less often this will happen.

Here are some examples of how my clients, in trigger situations, complemented their inner parent with other inner authority figures who said the opposite about the same thing. By the way, sometimes this character is also a parent.

But what if you were unlucky and there were no such people in your life at all?

The role of a "good enough parent" can be performed for you by a psychotherapist. One of the tasks of the psychotherapeutic process is precisely to give the client adequate feedback, telling him about different ways to respond to failures, problems, conflicts. I have already mentioned that the essence of psychotherapy is not so much the material discussed as the process of interaction between the therapist and the client.

For example, the client's mother systematically suppressed his will in childhood, punishing him for manifestations of anger. As a result, the adult suppresses his anger himself, because he is unconsciously afraid that he will "get in trouble" for this. The inner parent forbids him to be angry. He cannot defend his interests, concedes to everyone, and is afraid of conflicts in relationships. During the sessions, the therapist repeatedly notices the hidden anger of the client and says: "You're angry." At first, the client may deny his feeling and refuse to see it. Then he gradually begins to admit: yes, there is anger. And then he realizes that nothing bad happens because of his anger: the world does not collapse, the therapist does not break off the relationship and does not punish him for being angry. After 40 repetitions, the client learns a new experience: you can be angry, it's okay.

In addition, the therapist can get angry himself and draw the client's attention to this. "I'm angry that you didn't show up on time and that you still haven't sorted out the payment for the last session. You see, you are calmly bearing my anger and are not going to leave me."

Conflict is not the end of a relationship. By training in a safe environment, a person gradually begins to apply new skills in life and change their behavior.

Practicing the skills of caring for oneself allows a person to choose for close relationships only those people who will also treat him well. This is what is implied in the well-known formula of popular psychology: "First love yourself , and then others will love you." Of course, in this form, the phrase is not very clear and looks like a trick. I would "decode" this process as a skill chain.

A person "grows" a caring parent inside himself, who helps him to respond constructively and flexibly to conflicts and feelings that arise.
1. Thanks to this inner caring parent, a person becomes less ruthless towards himself, more merciful, generous, fair: he does not ridicule his own shortcomings, does not mercilessly criticize himself for mistakes, does not scold or punish, but tolerates his own peculiarities, allows himself to learn and develop.
2. A person gets used to treating himself well. He begins to notice more quickly when other people treat him worse than they should, and does not get close to such people.
3. A person gets closer only to those people who treat him as sensitively as he does: they respect his needs, allow him to correct mistakes, consider his opinion. He himself tries to show the same attitude to others, because he begins to better understand human nature and how feelings work.

This is how it happens: if you have helped yourself to "grow" a good enough inner parent, then relationships with others are also improving. There are more people around who accept and approve of you, and fewer who correct and shame you; in turn, you have more energy and patience to behave generously and fairly with others. The circle of care is working!

It can be difficult to figure out relationships with parents on your own. The book "Attachment and Separation" will simplify this process. It will help you understand how to choose the optimal distance with your parents, prevent childhood injuries from affecting your personal and professional life and not become a toxic adult towards your own children.