If one of your friends or acquaintances adheres to this belief, then the relationship seems to him something like a lottery ticket.
We met, fell in love, got married, lived together happily ever after. Lucky. Or they fell out of love with each other and separated. No luck. And if the ticket is not won, then you need to find a new one — enter into the following relationship. Maybe I'll get lucky with them.
Family psychologists see long-term and, most importantly, harmonious relationships a little differently: they compare building relationships with building a house. But since feelings are a rather fragile thing, the construction and strengthening of this house should be special.
Even if such a "relationship house" is built on a solid foundation (read about it below), then even after the walls are erected, the roof is installed and the interior decoration is carried out, this house constantly needs various kinds of repairs, completions and cosmetic repairs (in addition to planned capital repairs).
If you do not systematically work every day to improve the quality of relationships, their depth, then very quickly such a relationship house will begin to deteriorate and may fall apart — simply because they are not engaged in it!
We must try to do everything well: it will turn out badly by itself.
Such work with relationships will not be delegated to plumbers and carpenters. This is the repair that is important for a couple to do every day — together with each other.
Let's conduct a small experiment. Look at the picture below.
How did you feel looking at her? If you have a thought like "Oh, yes, I understand, it's definitely noticed!", then perhaps you are also under the influence of this myth.
"What's the problem?" you ask. The fact that such a myth translates the idea that marriage is hard, painful and bad. But the thing is, it's not marriage itself that's bad. This unhappy marriage is bad.
A huge number of people complain about their complicated relationships to anyone who is willing to listen to them. And do people who are happily married shout about it on every corner? No. They are quietly enjoying their relationship. And then a paradoxical situation develops: we hear those who complain, and we do not hear those who are happy with their relationships, and we begin to consider such a bleak state of things normal.
Is it any wonder then that many men (and sometimes women) are afraid to commit themselves to relationships (what kind of words!), do not formalize them officially, or even do not enter into them at all?
It is not the marriage itself that should be feared, but the unhappy and painful relationships that may arise between partners. And then it makes sense to figure out (independently or with a family psychologist) what is really going on in a couple in order to either break up (if it's really hard together), or improve these relationships.
And the institution of marriage itself is not to blame for anything.
The creators of romantic films and books diligently convince us that the main thing in a relationship is the love that has appeared in them, and the difference in age, social status, worldview, religious views and other serious issues is not so important. And this belief is deeply ingrained in our culture.
Of course, these guys are somewhat deceitful.
Let's face it: what are the chances of creating a stable and happy long-term relationship for Jack and Rose from the movie "Titanic", if they both could survive? What will they talk about in a couple of years? Yes, they can stay together for many years, but will they really be together?
Or another example is the movie "Pretty Woman". A big businessman and a prostitute together for a long time — seriously? On what foundation will such a relationship stand in a few months or years?
To think that the views and values shared by a man and a woman are unimportant is like building a "relationship house" without a foundation and on sand.
Even if you repair such a house 24 hours a day, it will still go underground or fall apart (at least psychologically) in most cases.
Glossy magazines teach women that if sex did not happen (an unstable erection in a partner) or it lasted too short (premature ejaculation), then it is important to treat it calmly and with understanding ("Sometimes, don't get upset, honey") and wait for the next time, when maybe everything will be different. A man will probably be grateful to his partner for such an attitude. What is the problem?
From the point of view of family psychology, sexual difficulties can be seen differently. Yes, medical problems with sexual health can affect intimate life, but it is more common after the partners (or only a man) reach the age of 40-45 years.
If we are talking about a man and a woman aged 20-35 years, then more often these difficulties are not medical, but psychological in nature, that is, difficulties in sex are actually a signal of problems in a couple. If you treat this "with understanding" and do nothing, the tension between the partners will accumulate and sooner or later it will break.
Perhaps a more useful solution for a couple would be to look at an appointment with a competent sexologist who knows how to work not with one "patient", but with a couple as a whole. With its help, you can find the true psychological cause of sexual difficulties and begin to cope with them.
Various social authorities — from television and glossy magazines to the authors of popular psychological books — assure us that men and women are so different that, as the metaphor that became the title of John Gray's bestseller says, they seem to have arrived on Earth from Mars and Venus, respectively. And that it is extremely difficult for representatives of these two alien civilizations to find a common language: after all, women want to be listened to, and men do not want to be distracted. :)
In fact, the underlying needs of both men and women are not so much different.
All of us, regardless of gender, want to be loved, appreciated, supported and inspired, given freedom, but at the same time be there for us. Pleased with sex and positive attention. They helped with word and deed.
It is much easier to satisfy your needs if you perceive your partner's needs not as a heavy tribute to a bloodthirsty alien invader, but as the desires of a living person like yourself.
And then there will be much more people from Earth on our planet.
